cancer. Could it be anything else?
In my mind right now, cancer is bigger than any six letters, bigger than any word, bigger than any blog post. It consumes nearly every waking thought and brings me to tears on a daily basis. Grief and guilt rolled into one, big, sticky ball.
Mama Knascar and I have never been close; I was most certainly a Daddy's Girl. M.K. and I have very little in common – our senses of humor are different, style, worldview. Virtually everything. I think that's why, on top of everything else, there's a layer of guilt that overlays everything. What could I have done to be a better daughter? All of those times that I thought "I'll try to connect more with her the next time I'm home" and now those next times are, if not gone then at the very least in jeopardy.
I spent the first four hours I was awake yesterday crying. Papa Knascar called at 8:30 a.m. to tell me that she had to go in for emergency surgery. Seems the infection she couldn't shake was eating away at her intestines and they rushed her into surgery to remove part of them. She apparently came through the surgery fine but once again, her recovery time will push back any attempts at treating the cancer.
I don't go home for the holidays for another week and a half and even then, it's only for four days. I really don't know how I'm going to survive it. Christmas is really my mother's season. Whenever I find myself singing along with Christmas muzak in department stores – that's my mom. Wrapping presents - mom. Christmas cookies by the dozen – ma. Is it any wonder I'm having trouble finding my holiday spirit?