6:00 AM – Awake with a sneer when Alarm #1 goes off; fumble for snooze alarm
6:10 AM – Snooze
6:20 AM – Snooze
6:30 AM – Swear, debate blowing off gym, remind self that today will be the last self-weigh in for a while and drag butt out of bed
6:40 AM – Swear, grab keys, water bottle and magazine
6:41 AM – Stumble out the door and stagger to the gym
6:57 AM – Blink confusedly at elliptical machine; try to figure out why the Gold's braintrust has removed the water bottle and iPod holders from the ellipticals. [I almost typed "Walkman holders" but figured no one would know what I was talking about]
7:00 AM – Tune the tv to TLC to veg out to Clean Sweep while sweating profusely
7:00 – 7:32 AM – Sweat profusely. Wonder if trembling in fear of Peter Walsh coming to my house burn extra calories? Hmmm…
7:34 AM – Stumble out the door and stagger home
7:50 AM – Enter my luxurious bathroom, stick tongue out at the scale, and shower, because, well, I'm stinky
8:00 AM – Squeaky clean! Hop out of shower, see scale out of the corner of my eye. "The Imperial March"** starts to run through my head
8:01 AM – Lie to myself, saying it's okay if I didn't lose any weight, as long as I didn't gain any either
8:02 AM – Slide scale into "official weighing corner" of the tile floor and resignedly step on
8:02:10 AM – Swear. Step off. Let it reset (fun with digiscales). Step back on
8:02:20 AM – Swear profusely. Step off. Slide it off "official weighing corner". Slide it back onto "official weight corner". Step back on.
8:02:30 AM – Grumble
ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!?!?!
* As in two hours; not nifty MTV alternative music video show from days gone by
** AKA Darth Vader's theme music. I had to Google it; I'm not quite that dorky. Not that there's anything wrong with that.